Let me tell you something about the week before your book comes out – something I have just, this week, learned – it is a blur. It is a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it series of days that feel like minutes. It is a whisper. A dream. A mirage on the distant horizon.
What I’m trying to say is: where did this week go? What did I do? Who did I see? Mostly, I spent the time in a state of something approaching existential dread, all too aware that the five years I’ve spent working on This is Not About You is about to culminate in people – a lot of people – reading many sordid and not-so-sordid details of my life and, though you might think I’ve spent those five years preparing for that moment, readers, I have not.
I am not ready.
The other shocking thing that’s dawned on me this week is that even though this massive, monumental, amazing thing is happening – something I’ve been dreaming about for years, and I mean years – my life is also carrying on as usual. I’m changing nappies and making beds and doing my regular work like writing (my Substack has been slightly delayed this week, I’m sorry and hope you understand but it’s been a lot) and podcasting and freelancing and, oh, did I mention I’m launching a new podcast?! Well, I am. It’s been A LOT.
So thank you, above anything else, for reading my work and buying my book and hanging around my corner of the internet and sending me nice messages because even though some people would say we don’t really know one another, we kind of do, and that’s something I don’t take for granted.
Monday
Atlas was assessed for autism a few weeks ago (for those of you who are curious, they used the ADOS-2 system of assessment) and formally diagnosed in partnership with his primary care provider. (In the US the diagnosis is made by a doctor, but recommended by whoever carried out the assessment.)
It was recommended to us that we start him off with speech and occupational therapies, so this morning we have our intake appointment at Sensory Connections, a pediatric occupational therapy provider across town.
Of course, I had totally forgotten that we’d also have the boys this morning, but luckily the appointment is right down the road from their mum’s house, and even more luckily, she’s at home, so I drop them in to her for the hour while we attend the appointment.
It’s been interesting watching him in speech and occupational therapy. It reminds me a lot of the dog training I did with Coileán (for a very short period of time), in that a lot of it seems more geared towards teaching me how to interact with him, than teaching him how to act. I answer a lot of questions and fill out a lot of forms while the therapist offers him a variety of toys and games to play with, and observes how he responds to them.
He seems to really enjoy it – I mean, playing! Who wouldn’t? – until the very end, when he gets a bit tired and just wants to breastfeed. (As an aside, lately I feel as though I can’t sit down when I’m in his vicinity, because if I do all he wants is to pull my top up and have a drink.)
I give them my insurance details. I’m not quite sure what will or won’t be covered, so we may well get a bill in the coming weeks, but I don’t pay anything today.
I pick the boys up and we head back home, for a change not stopping at Starbucks. I think writing down last week’s money diary made me realise how easy it is to get back in the habit of Starbucks every day, and that’s not really a slope I wish to slip down right now!
Speaking of Starbucks, though, I do see a woman I follow on Instagram, whose baby is in the ICU after swallowing a button battery, talking about how bad the hospital coffee is, and how she thought about ordering Starbucks but couldn’t justify the $20, so I DM her to ask if I can Venmo it to her. No one – especially no one undergoing trauma like this – should have to survive on hospital coffee. ($20)
I also remember that I hadn’t paid Robin for last week’s babysitting yet, so I pay her for last and this coming week together. ($105 – it’s $25 for a half day, which is usually what we do, twice a week, but we did one full day at $30 last week)
When we get home, Atlas goes down for his nap and I try to get some work done – “try” being the operative word. The boys are old enough now that I should be able to work while they’re at home… at least in theory. But they have endless snack requests to make, are incredibly curious about my podcast editing software, can’t really be left downstairs unsupervised but if they’re upstairs they just want to come sit in the office with me (and ask endless questions)… so I don’t get a lot done.
I’m feeling very stressed about the amount of work I have to do this week and next for the book, the podcast(s!), freelance work and various bits and bobs, and every day that goes by where I get less done than I’d intended simply adds to that stress. NOT ideal.
Our Amazon subscription for nappies comes out. ($25.86)
When Brandin gets home, he does dinner while I go back upstairs to try to get a few more hours’ work done. Then we kind of two-hand bedtime, I put up some laundry while watching Vanderpump and go to bed early.
Daily total: $150.86
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