It's Hard to Avoid Spending When You're Pregnant

…and other entirely universal and not-remotely-white-privileged problems

Summer is here and it’s come, I’m not ashamed to say, as a bit of a surprise. The calendar gives fair warning, I suppose, but the problem with life in the Midwest is that the winter may officially last for a certain number of months but, unofficially, it sets in and stays for about 10 years.

For those of us not used to living, day after day, in sub-zero temperatures, winter means having to go back inside every single time you decide to go out, because you’re not wearing thick enough socks or you’ve forgotten to bring an extra jumper or you’ve just decided nothing is worth leaving the house in this tundra.

It means waiting days – sometimes weeks! – for the thaw to set in so that the roads aren’t icy, something that fills me with a chill of fear and to which I doubt I’ll ever become accustomed.

And all this while locals are telling me things like, “this winter was very mild”, or, “we haven’t really had a properly cold winter in a few years”, as if that’s what I want to hear as I gaze, terrified, out my living-room window, wondering when it’ll be safe to get back in the proverbial water.

Back to the calendar, though; after winter, it promises, must come spring. Maybe that was Lauryn Hill.

Spring is when you get to go out without worrying about ice, or snow, or thick, fuzzy socks; spring is the season in which the ground has thawed and the daffodils and the tulips are emerging; spring is a time for hot girl walks (or, rather, appropriately-warm-girl walks).

When I was a young wan, we were taught that the spring months were March, April, and May, but there’s a lot of confusing information out there now about yadda yadda the spring equinox meaning spring starts on March 19th (or 20th, or 21st – see?! confusing). What I know, though, in my bones – and my sweat glands, more particularly – is that spring had barely sprung before summer was here, and I could say goodbye to hot girl walks (or walks of any kind).

Case in point: it’s 31C right now, with a realfeel of 33C. Does that sound like spring to you?! IT’S ONLY MAY 21ST!

I’m hot and I’m sweaty and when I’m indoors, in the planet-ruining air conditioning, I’m either too cold or just that little bit too warm, to the point that I exist in a perpetual state of having a dull headache at the front of my face.