John Wick 4: a Higher Body Count than Titanic

Pls, no fact checking at this time.

At a whopping two hours and forty-nine minutes, John Wick 4 – the final installment of the Keanu Reeves-led action series – is just 25 minutes shorter than Titanic. It’s longer than Avatar. I could make a semi-decent loaf of sourdough in the time it took me to watch Keanu mow down assassins in what has to be the most complex shoot-em-up in history, a sprawling epic that takes us from New York City to Osaka, ending up in Paris (via a short jaunt to Berlin).

Before I say what I’m about to say, you should know: I’ve seen all three John Wick films and I loved them! (except for the puppycide, trigger warning for that, if you’re considering venturing into the JW world)

But as we settled in for the neverending story that is John Wick 4, I found myself with absolutely zero clue as to what was going on. I mean, John’s a reformed assassin – or, he was, until some goons broke into his house, stole his car and (spoiler alert for John Wick) killed his dog, his one remaining link to his dead wife, or something, which forced him to put his killing uniform back on and march around New York in an angry silence.

This seemed to annoy… the table? Some conglomerate of people who control the world’s best assassins (although ‘best’ should be used loosely because, in four whole films, Johnny boy has been shot by approximately 3,271 people and not a single one has got him in the head) is now angry because John has drawn attention to them, or opened fire in this weird assassin’s hotel (which has a ban on guns, despite its being the assassin’s hotel, which feels a bit like there being a hotel for Irish dancers with a ban on ringlets), or something.

John’s now running around town being chased by literally everyone, but very few women, because no woman has been an assassin since Angelina Jolie in Wanted, all of whom are trying to shoot him because there’s a big bounty on his head.

There are other things happening, things that I, surprise surprise, also can’t quite follow. The owner of the Continental Hotel (played by Ian McShane, getting a lot of mileage out of his American Gods character, let me tell you) gets dragged into it somehow, but in either film 2 or 3 shoots John (again, not in the head) so enters film 4 feeling a bit guilty and beholden unto him. Fair enough, I say. Shoot me once, shame on you. Shoot me twice, etc. (That might not make sense, but neither do these films, so it’s fine.)

Bill Skarsgård is in John Wick 4. So are pop star Rina Sawayama, Donnie Yen, and a man in a fat suit, for absolutely no reason whatsoever. (Is it so that we could be shocked and awed when he turns out to be quite good at fighting? Couldn’t they have got a fat person who’s quite good at fighting? I bet they could have.)

Laurence Fishburne is back as Bowery King and of course we get a little flashback to Bridget Moynahan as the late Helen Wick and, truly, the reason for all of this drama. If she hadn’t gone and died, John wouldn’t have cared so much when those petty thieves stole his car and killed his dog! Probably.

As you watch assassin after assassin try – and fail – to off John, while John tries – and fails – to win his freedom, with absolutely zero consideration by any of them to the health and safety of the innocent bystanders simply driving around the Arc de Triomphe, you do find yourself beginning to wonder, what’s the point in any of this?!

And that’s not the only question John Wick 4 throws up! For example: who even is Bill Skarsgård’s character?! The marquis? Is he an actual marquis, as in, French royalty, or is that just a term (because I’m no fool and I know that the table is not an actual table but instead a group of bossy bossersons who think they get to own people)? Is it marquis, or marquee? Marquee would be funnier.

Where are the police?! When I was in France, I saw quite a lot of gendarmes, and I remember because (a) at least 75% of the ones I saw were incredibly good-looking and (b) they had huge guns, and that is not a euphemism, but it did freak me out. In John Wick 4, there are no police. There are only assassins, an everlasting supply of guns and a lot (a LOT) of stairs.

Is the Hotel Continental a chain? A franchise? That’s not quite clear. Ian McShane acts like it’s his baby and he built it out of Legos with his bare hands, but then so do Shimazu (Hiroyuki Sanada), who runs the Osaka branch, and his daughter Akira (Sawayama). Surely you wouldn’t care that much if you were just the franchise-owner?!

I mean, what do I know, I’m not in business, but it seems foolish to sacrifice your life for a business that’s not even truly yours, you know?

Anyway, all of this life-sacrificing is foolish, and stressful, honestly – it reminded me a lot of Mad Max: Fury Road, in that I truly thought I might have a heart attack while watching it, but also couldn’t look away – but at the end of the day, isn’t that what action movies are for?!

FIVE STARS!