Ask Rosemary: Relaxation, Rings and, er, Ring-Ring!

it's your new favourite advice column

it’s me! except instead of solving murders I’m solving PROBLEMS

I asked my Instagram followers to send me any problems or issues they needed help with or just advice for, and I received way more questions than I’d expected! So I’m starting a regular advice column where I’ll give my best advice to questions I’ve been sent via DM, or here (just reply to this email if you have anything you need help with!) – but I would also love it (and think it would be really helpful) if you would get involved and share your thoughts in the comments. In this case, I think actually, there’s no such thing as too many chefs.

So buckle up and settle down, because this may be a long one…

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“What’s your favorite way to unwind after a busy week? I’m finding it nearly impossible.”

This, I’d imagine, is a common issue for a lot of people. We’re so “on” – answering work emails on weekends, jotting down to-dos in our phones while we’re watching TV, taking pictures of “inspiration” for work when we’re out and about (obviously depending on industry) – that it can be really difficult to properly switch off.

I personally find that the only way I can do it is to do something that requires my full – or almost full – concentration. So a bath isn’t a great one for me, because while in the bath I can be on my phone, and even if I leave the phone in the other room, my brain’s going a mile a minute reminding me of things I need to do once I get out of the bath! I find the same thing happens when I do yoga, or try to meditate.

Instead, I like to do something like read, do a jigsaw puzzle or knit – although the knitting only really works for me because I’m really crap at it and need to concentrate fully. I can just about have something low-brow on the TV (right now it’s Real Housewives of Salt Lake City) in the background, but nothing I have to concentrate on or I start purling where I’m meant to be plaining, or forget to slip the first stitch, or drop stitches (and am absolutely useless at picking them back up again so then the whole project has to go out the window).

I also find – or, at least, I found, one day last month, before it got to absolute nose-atrophyingly cold temperatures – that walking the dog is good, but only if I switch my phone on Airplane Mode and listen to music (not podcasts, because most of them make me think too much).

Beatrice and I joined a weekly pottery class and had our first session on Thursday, and that was actually a great exercise in mindfulness because, again, I was so crap at it that it required my full attention, leaving me no brain space for worrying or planning my tasks for the following week.

This is also quite a personal thing, though, and I know that what works for me won’t work for everyone, so it might be a case of trying a few different things to find what does it for you. Maybe it’s going to be a sweaty workout (if you have an exercise bike, YouTube has some great spin tutorials that can be good – while yoga leaves me too much thinking space, anything that has me sweating profusely seems to keep my mind on the task at hand) or baking or doing Sudoku or just a good old-fashioned phone call with a friend.

I also highly recommend a regular massage habit – when I stopped going to therapy, I started going for a massage every six weeks or so, hoping that would give me a similarly relaxed feeling, and it’s one of my favourite things to do now (surprise, surprise), and much cheaper than weekly therapy. (Although I am in the process of finding a new therapist so… the massage habit might end up being curbed.)

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I’m about to be a first-time mum. Any advice or tips? 

Honestly, the temptation to craft this response by telling you all of the things I did wrong is strong, which makes me think that the most important thing you’ll do over the next year is to give yourself grace.

Seriously. There are so many moments ahead where you will think you’ve totally and utterly fucked up – mine include one particularly terrible moment where I left the door open and Atlas, who had just learned to crawl, rolled all the way down the stairs – and the guilt and shame you’ll feel as a result will seriously hinder your ability to sleep, breathe and parent effectively.

Try not to have too many fixed ideas about any of it, from how you want the birth to go to what kind of toys you want your baby to play with or what kind of books you want to read to them. They are unpredictable little humans, above all else, and as such they’ll end up dictating a lot of it while you’re just along for the ride (and, ideally, to provide a soft landing for them).

I was going to say to ask for help, but I’d actually say: demand help. If you have friends or relatives over, ask them to do things that will make your life easier, like put on a load of washing or hold the baby while you have a shower or help you tighten the car seat. (On which note, as often as you possibly can, outsource any and every car seat related activity you need to do. The amount of times I’ve cried trying to get that seat in or out of the car…)

However much stuff you think you need, you don’t. By all means, spoil your baby – and yourself – if that will make you happy, but do not allow yourself any stress whatsoever when it comes to bassinets and playards and play mats and outfits and baby hairbrushes… because, honestly, you could get by with a few soft, cosy blankets; a handful of soft, cosy babygros; and a lot of burp cloths. (Obviously, if you plan to bottle feed, you’ll also need bottles and sterilising equipment and formula and all that good jazz.)

People were killed telling me to sleep when the baby slept, but that always felt like a waste, because when the baby slept was the only time I got to make tea or coffee for myself, stand and stare aimlessly out the window, have a bath or shower, clip my toenails, wash my hair… you get the gist. Nap when there’s someone else there to hold the baby, is my mantra.

And just… don’t let anyone make you feel like you’re doing it wrong. If your baby ends up only falling asleep in your arms, so be it – this is a season of time, and it’ll be over before you know it. Oh, and mute anyone and everyone on social media whose babies seem to be “better” babies than yours. People with babies who sleep through the night, people with babies who never get gassy, people with babies who sleep in their bassinets from day one… mute, mute, mute. It’ll just make you feel bad and, like I said, you’ll get enough of that.

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I’m married 13 years and our financial situation has hugely changed. Is it insulting to my partner if I want to upgrade my engagement ring, for example resetting and upgrading two stones… I don’t think he would mind, but is it rude? 

This, I think, is going to depend on a variety of factors. If, for example, the ring is a family heirloom that was given to your husband to give to you, the idea of resetting it might not sit well with him, or with the extended family – in which case I would maybe suggest doing something like getting a different ring to serve as an engagement ring, and switching that to another finger, or adding an eternity ring.

Similarly, if it’s a ring that he agonised over choosing for you and was really proud of the design he ultimately went with, I can imagine that might be slightly upsetting for him to hear that you want to change it (as he may think that you weren’t happy with it all along).

In both of these cases, though, the best course of action would be to talk to him – I did ask Brandin what he would think, and he said that it’s not something that would upset him at all, but he did point out that one of his friends proposed using his grandmother’s ring, and he can’t imagine that his friend would like the idea of making changes to that particular ring.

Because I’m fancy, though, I have a friend who is a jeweller by trade so I decided to ask her for her thoughts. Sydney Pacula Owens is part of Fort Wayne’s Pacula Diamonds, along with her father, and they do everything from designing bespoke engagement rings and fine jewellery to redesigning antique and vintage pieces.

Sydney says:

“I love this question 😁 I see it as a very personal choice! Typically when couples get married they are young and in a very different place budget wise than 5/10/15 years later so it is very common to upgrade/reset.

“I think a ring should reflect a couple’s journey and 13 years together is no small feat and upgrading the ring is a beautiful way to honor that. If she wants to involve him they could do it together and discuss options.

“Often I encourage customers who upgrade to then reset the original diamonds into a pendant or ring to keep it! Refreshing a ring not only feels good symbolically but after 13 years the ring could have seen a decent amount of wear so a reset could also be a good idea practically. I’ve never had someone regret redesign/reset but wish they had done it even sooner 😊”

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Is phone sex cheating? 

Why are no questions ever straightforward?! Because this one may be short and sweet, but I truly feel like there’s a lot of nuance there.

In short, I think that phone sex is cheating if you, the person in the relationship with the person engaging in phone sex, feel betrayed or “cheated on” by the action.

If, however, you’re someone who’s totally fine with the idea of your partner having sexy conversations with someone else, then it’s not a problem, right?

But obviously, both of these answers require that there is open, honest communication in the relationship around one another’s expectations and needs when it comes to sexual or even sex-related interactions that happen outside of the relationship.

For me personally, I think I would consider phone sex cheating, if it was the case that my partner was engaging in it with someone he knew. If, however, he was calling a phone sex hotline (are they still a thing?!) or having conversations with someone on OnlyFans whose services he was paying for, I don’t think I would consider that cheating (although I would probably be a bit upset if he hadn’t come to me first to ask if this is something we could do together).

I guess, in my mind, if it involves engaging the services of a sex worker, it sits more in a category alongside watching porn. If, however, he was having phone sex with a co-worker or a friend, that would definitely constitute cheating in my book.

But, like I said, if it’s something that makes you uncomfortable, you are well within your rights to sit down and make that clear to your partner, and if he or she isn’t willing to take your feelings into consideration, that might then lead to a bigger, and possibly more difficult, conversation.

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Please, do weigh in if you have any advice or ideas to share on any of the above questions – and, if you have a question of your own, DM me on Instagram, email me at rosemary.maccabe@gmail.com or simply reply to this email! All correspondence will remain anonymous.